Travel Tips for Twits – Commuter Edition

Let’s be honest, commuting isn’t really hard unless the people around you suck.  The following tips should help you not suck at commuting (assuming you are smart enough to read said tips, which may be a big assumption, but here goes anyway).  I am summarizing each rule with a brief small worded motto, so the stupid commuters can more easily understand it:

  1. Don’t walk in the dead center of a walkway….and for God’s sake, don’t block off a walkway with your body or your bags or your position and walk slowly.  We are all commuting, which by definition means we all have places to go.  So in short, MOVE YOUR ASS!
  2. When a train is nearly empty, there is no need to sit immediately next to someone.  It’s just weird.  DON’T BE WEIRD!
  3. Be mindful of how you smell.  No one wants to get on a train at the buttcrack of dawn and be assaulted by your scent, be it a $50 bottle of perfume or eau de body odor.  DON’T BE STINKY.
  4. No one wants to hear about your day or your kid’s sports team or your work life.  As boring and mundane as it seems to you, it’s ten times worse for the rest of us who don’t know you, care about you or like you.  So SHHHHHH!
  5. Similar to number 4, assume that those around you hate your taste in music.  Your music sucks and the only thing that sucks worse than your music is hearing little bits of it wafting out of your headphones.  QUIET YOUR MUSIC!
  6. Note the little lines on the train seats.  Those lines are meant to divide the admittedly small seats into equal portions.  Your ass should only take up your portion.  If your ass takes up more than one portion, at least sit in a two seater, so your ass only inconveniences one person and you can spill the remainder of your ass into the aisle.  Do not sit in the middle of a 3 seater.  It guarantees that the two people on either side of you will hate you.  WATCH YOUR ASS!20131211-100345.jpg
  7. If you sit in the center seat of a 3 seater, when the aisle person gets up, it is your job to move the fuck over.  Remaining in the middle seat with an empty seat next to you is annoying, because your ass is likely pouring onto the window seat person (flouting rule 6) and it’s just weird (flouting rule 2).  MOVE YOUR ASS!
  8. Listen to the announcements.  If you don’t and you end up on the wrong fucking train, it’s your fault.   It’s not the conductor’s fault.  It’s your fault.  No amount of bitching and asking the same question repeatedly will make the entire train of people move off course to stop wherever the fuck you want it to.  So stop asking “So the train doesn’t stop in this place you said 12 times it won’t stop at?  Sigh.  So I can’t get to that place on this train?  Sigh.  You should have announced it….more.”  No!  You suck.  SHUT UP AND DEAL!
  9. And when you are on a peak train you should have a peak ticket that you bought prior to getting on the train.  If you don’t, again it’s your own fucking fault.  And you will have to pay for your stupidity, admittedly through the nose, but it’s your problem.  The train conductor didn’t make up the prices to fuck with you.  No amount of bitching and moaning is going to change the LIRR pricing strategy.  The conductor would like you to shut the fuck up and is hating you more and more by the second, so he/she is no way considering being nice to you.  If I were them, I would be considering tacking on an extra “asshole fee”.  It’s your fault.  You should pay for it.  None of the people sitting around you should have to listen to you bitching about your fuck-up.  Believe it or not, we are all perfectly willing to stop the train to kick you the fuck off, so we don’t have to listen to you anymore.   That delay would be so worth it!  SUCK IT UP!
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