Men, step away from the bottle…

…the cologne bottle that is.  What is it with you guys?  You appear to be well-groomed, well educated.  Clearly you care about your general appearance.

You seem to have mastered the ability to do things that require at least some level of manual dexterity:

  • You carefully comb and gel your hair
  • You shower and shave
  • You tie shoes, ties, etc.
  • You iron or convince/pay someone else to

Yet, when it comes to putting on your cologne, something happens.  You either do not understand the purpose of cologne or you have no ability to properly apply it.  I really don’t know what happens?!?!?

But in case you have no idea what cologne should do, cologne should make you smell nice to those close to you – in a subtle way.  Those close to you should think you smell so good that they want to get closer.  They should think that you smell good, because you are who you are, not because they can name the brand of cologne you are wearing.

Cologne should not be perceptible from across Penn Station or throughout a train car.  It should not make those around you nauseous or cause their eyes to burn.

Now that we’ve covered that possibility, if you are perhaps incapable of operating the cologne bottle, just don’t do it.  A shower will suffice.  Or have your wives/girlfriends apply it for you.  Women for some reason rarely have this problem.

The world thanks you for listening.

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